On music...and my minivan

I told a friend I was going to be moving soon. She said "So who will be left to drive the 'noisy van' in the school parking lot?" Hmm, so I have a name.
I have a uber-typical white minivan, but it has a seriously souped up sound system. The bass alone, transforms the entire van into a quivering island of sonic delight.
Mostly, I have gotten into the habit of listening to the "top 20", mindless dance tracks. I find it easier to think, easier to stay focused on putting one foot in front of the other, without getting absorbed by emotion, when surrounded by pounding rythm.


Why I listen to the top 20.

I seek the perfect silence of the thrumming heart of noise.
the eye of the squall
The throb and pulse, inconsequential words, affable babble really,
A cacophony of harmonious children at play.
the lull, sharp intake of drum breath, pause of rythm, catches, inhales, thumps again
beating like a heart, flutters...
contracts, sighs, expands
Music becomes chatter, becomes a coursing heavy fog, beneath which is a hush
Yielding to the muffled shadows of silence, sheltered in the linen shrouds of inner quiet.


Of course, music is viscerally important to me. I live my life to a soundtrack. I have a song for every experience, for every anguish, rage and frustration, for every longing, loneliness and love. I listen to a vast range of music, each has a very distinct place in my existence.

Music has spoken for me when I did not even have the words, to say what I was feeling, and definitely not the courage.

Here is a very intense song. It partially covers what my last few weeks were like before knowing I had to come out, because I literally could not live like that anymore. The lie had almost swallowed me whole.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1xbpCFsYPk

My heart is beating but the soul has died
My body's breathing beneath catatonic eyes
The blood is flowing, set free for demise
I've lost my balance but god knows I tried
I don't want to be here anymore in scarlet letters
Carved into what once was me
Once was yours no more
An uphill battle I failed to cli´mb
I left it all now and I don't mind
Betrayed and broken consumed by the lies
Farewell to you all, I'll be fine. Goodbye

I don't want to be here anymore
the scarlet letter
Torn in two, a piece of me, the peace in you no more
Do you believe in loss
Do you believe in faith
Do you believe in death
Now that I´m gone
Forsaken me, ashes to dust just let me lie
Lay me to rest, I've done my best but lost my sight
Turning my back, leave me alone let spirit rise
Knives in my back, all hope is lost
Say goodbye
I don't want to be here anymore in Scarlet Letters
Got to go, what once was me, once was yours, no more
I don't want to be here anymore,
I don't want to be here anymore the scarlet letters
Carved into what once was me, once was yours no more...

credit to Mudvayne.....