Tired...

Tired, oh so tired....Once in awhile, despite the love and growing support system which is as fragile and magical as newly spun cotton candy, I wonder how I can go on?

This is strictly a hypothetical idea. I know exactly why I need to go on, with my children and those I love so deeply, needing me to be there, but the constant pushing back can get so tiring, the changes, the newness, the ever expanding to-do lists and further challenges. I sometimes want to just pull the covers over my head and stay in bed all day.

I know who I am with startling clarity, the 'how' is more in question.
Self doubt creeps in and fogs things up when it comes to questions of... Can I be a decent enough single Mom to my kids? What job will I be able to do successfully? Will the book be insightful and articulate enough? Can I keep up with school properly? Can I make all the people I love happy and give them all they need? How can I be 'good enough'? How can I do this 'right'?
I don't truly know what I am doing. Everything is so new, I am just learning as I go along.

Truth is though, it is not really the day to day matters which make all of this seem so indomitable at times. It is the extra little things that loom up, icebergs on dark waters, which make matters seem somewhat treacherous.

I actually had a wonderful day today. We all went to Botanical Gardens, the sun was shining brightly, the way sun is supposed to be, its warm fingers settling on the back of my neck.
It was wonderful, beautiful, alive and vibrant with spring. Blossoms were just beginning to unfurl on trees, flowers were opening, their petals unmarred, fresh and vivid. The green grass glowed under the afternoon sunlight. The kids were happy to be outside, then again, so were we all. It was beautiful, companionable, sweet, lovely.

Usually, I am strong, calm, well at least outwardly, ready to tackle it all. Even ready to "own" it all, kick its proverbial ass. Yes it is alot to process, but heck yeah, bring it on.
but tonight, I need a break from thinking about it all.

I am so freaking tired... I need to get some sleep.