Full five...

There used to be this cheesy camp song we used to sing about a beggar that is given money by a little girl. The little girl gives him money smiling hugely. Now, I bet the little girl was five; little kids of five do everything smiling hugely, showing all their newly wiggly teeth.

Anyway, the beggar says "the money may last for a while but I will always remember your smile." Everybody sang that part of the song twice, looking all wide eyed and pious, with furrowed brows. Of course the message of the song sailed completely over most of their heads, but their voices sure sounded pretty to themselves, as they all faded out in unison, and inevitably began a rousing version of "we are the best bunk yet...etc."

I of course, was lost in my own thoughts for awhile, as I considered those words and the nature of giving and kindness in general. Then, after a bit, the counselors would notice I was not singing, if you can call the campers yowling singing, poke me and remind me to have some camp spirit. I meanwhile still had tears in my eyes thinking about that fictitious cold and hungry beggar and the kind little girl who made his day. It reminded me strongly of the bird lady in Mary Poppins, feeding her pigeons endlessly for ‘tuppence a bag’.

Growing up under the teeming microscope of a religious community highlighted the idea of spirit of the law versus letter of the law. In a religious community where so many laws are externally obvious, I think the more subtle or less overt traits of kindness and Godliness are often overlooked in the important business of ‘looking like everyone else’.

After all, if you ‘walk the walk and talk the talk’, and have the right brand of shoes and the ‘it’ handbag, what is a little backstabbing, slander or gossip between friends, right? If you follow the religious modesty laws, have covered elbows and knees and nothing too tight fitting or provocative, anything goes. I have heard cruelty, sniggers and general verbal evisceration of others, so intense, I swear I smelt faint wafts of overbearing trendy teen salon shampoo and heard the echoing clang of high school hallway lockers in their speech.

Often the favorite topic of conversation is how wayward other people are, or even better, other people’s children are becoming. There is always a sense of ghoulish glee when somebody really fuck’s up royally. Gossip and other more socially acceptable form of sinning, is actually an undercover religious community sport.

There are others of course, both religious and not-so-much, who talk about thoughts and ideas and can’t be bothered to examine the minutiae of other people’s lives. They are hospitable, invite and inspire others at their tables. They are spiritual and deeply warm both to God and others, but somehow they offend religious sensibilities by not toeing the external community requirements, and are thereby somehow less acceptable. Often they themselves see the terrible irony in that, but it has long ceased to matter what people think, because kindness in thought, creates a profundity and awareness of others, that even extends to those who are least deserving of it, miserable cretins.

My Mom lectures in psycho-oncology to medical students. Her research indicates that cancer patients are much more likely to comply when they understood their treatments and were treated with kindness. Knowing the medicine would help them, was not enough to make them undergo harsh treatments, even if it would cost them their lives.

She stated in her lecture, that patients often say they look for a Doctor who truly listens to them, who is sympathetic and available.

One young Doctor, got up and asked, "How am I supposed to have any kind of bedside manner if I only have five minutes to spare per patient? That is barely enough time to examine them."

Mom said, "You do not only have five minutes, you have five minutes, i.e. be present in body and spirit, for a full five minutes. That means, take off your coat, or sit down on the chair, and be truly there for those moments in time and you will be surprised at what you can accomplish. Do not keep checking your watch. Set your phone alarm to vibrate after five minutes if necessary, but then forget time exists and be there wholly."

The Doctor came back, and reported that his patients were much happier now. They had commented on how well he was listening to them. They were more forthcoming and less resistant to new treatment ideas. Just five complete, present minutes made a big difference. Most patients never even realized it was only a short time he was there.

No more time was actually necessary, but the quality of the time most definitely was, the spirit of the time, the compassion imbued in the time, given to them for just minutes, but they felt it.

I have had difficulty with this idea sometimes. Sometimes it seems like the mere act of giving is effort enough. This can mean giving advice or having a conversation with a distraught friend; it can be money or clothes or simple time with a loved one, or just checking in. It can be a monologue from one of my children about a book character or comic strip involving animated pumpkins.

I honestly do not always have the energy or will to do it right, but I do understand that I should be doing better. I knew it as I did while listening to the camp song, that the full measure of kindness is what truly makes an impact. I need to be there. I especially need to be there for those that love me, need me and depend on me to love them wholly. I need to try do all that, with the unflagging sweet energy of a toothsome five year old.

‘Being there’ in whatever capacity, might seem enough on the surface, but it is the full measure of the giving, that truly creates the sense of love or care. It is the kernel, the soul, the spirit, the beating heart of all acts of kindness, and I want to do that.

Yes, being there, means, being exactly there for that moment… That means I need to work on not thinking of the next place I need to go, or mentally reviewing the shopping list, or texting nonstop. (Texting is really addictive by the way.) It means I need to care about where I am right now, in this lovely precious moment, with someone I care about, or even a stranger, but I can make a difference, why the hell not?