Life seems to be run on the fluid and viscous parallels of an infinite series of possibilities, but to reach them, one has to let go of limitations grasped with frightened desperate fingers, and take that leap of faith into the vast realm of 'anything'.
I thought about God, and how in my life, he has been a comforting presence. Not the religious punitive God with all the rules and regulations of Orthodoxy, but the warm God, with massive safe hands which somehow cradle us when we are in pain. The God who shows himself in the winds ruffling fingers through the leaves and the patterned glints of sunlight spilling in the cups of the lake waves.
When the children are asleep and the house is so quiet, sometimes the air seems to grow and change shape and scent with the silence. It as at these moments that I feel so alone.
I am not sure why I feel like a child lost in a dark forest sometimes. I think it is just all the newness, all these firsts, all these responsibilities and pressures of doing things entirely on my own. I have come so far, and take pride in the fact that I indomitably keep trying. but, it takes such tremendous courage to be a pioneer in ones own life.
These moments tend to creep up on me when I least expect it. I feel a hollow in my middle, like an unexpected cigarette burn to the spirit, and tears tickle the bones of my face with their trajectory until I wipe them away with the sleeve of my sweater. I cry without truly knowing what exactly I am crying about. Afterwards, I always get back up and dust myself off and prepare to face whatever comes with renewed resolve.
I know I am where I need to be in this lifetime. I know my children and I have all grown, and thrived and advanced steadily on this new adventure path.
Most of all, I know, I can finally look at my reflection in the mirror or in the darkness of a subway window and actually see myself. For the first time in my life, I recognize who I am.
Before now, I never really could get a feel for what I truly looked like. I used to take photographs to try and see who I was. Now I know.
What gives me strength to endure, is love. The gentle love-support of my family and friends, the incongruous moments of kindness from strangers -ever surprised at how much they care for humanity- to the Mama Bear kind of fluffy love I immerse my children in...
and... the love of a girl who when I drew a stick figure of a smiling girl in the condensation on the glass with my fingertip, without saying a word, drew another stick figure girl holding her hand.. holding my hand...an inedible tenderness which touched my heart.
That night as I lay awake, I thought about having the desperate courage to give freely of oneself to the ones we love...and the ones we hope to share life's grand adventure with, for the rest of our cognizant moments. I thought about the meaning of sincerity, hope and love and how they are all truly are just facets of the idea of love. I thought about trust, and how much courage I need to love and be loved fully. Yes, I thought of love and being eachothers... for the one who can hold our hand in spirit, and it is almost the feel of Gods hands cradling us.
This year has brimmed with sweet and wondrous moments...and yes, the compassionate, grumpy fluffiness and violent gregariousness of our two new resident felines respectively, has filled our apartment with laughter and joy.
We mortals, we live for love and friendship and companionship.. the small pleasures in life... both as a people and as a species.
I had been struck shortly before with the image of life as an exercise of writing in the dark, where we know what mark we want to make but can't see how we are doing... can't see exactly the path and if we stumble, do not always know how to fix it.. until it is light again...
When I got outside, the world, was colored by the tone of rain, with wet branches reaching out deep into the sidewalk walk way, ready to smack unwary passerby's with a face full of cold water. I was so very tired, that might not have been a bad idea.
The moisture was sinking deep into the interconnected twining roots of the trees, invisible, and yet foliage has already been marked by possibilities, the steady thudding boil of energy, infusing like a heart pumping blood to the furthest reaches of the tree's leaves.
Growth, as subtle as the darkening of water on red brick, was present already and only had to fully emerge.
I noticed the wet bark sloughing off like lips dry and chapped from hours of kissing. Spring was feral and fertile. I smelt the dark earth scent of wet dirt and rain and the smell of things slipping out of fingertips wet with rain or sometimes tears.
the sense of everything being part of a greater whole... of beginnings and endings... of opportunities found..and lost... Underneath though, there was this thick unquenchable pulsing energy, ready for the possibilities.
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